James Blunt’s, “You’re Beautiful” is playing whilst I write this if you’d be inclined to feel my overall vibe of this writing.
Y’know, writing anything within the topics in the title nowadays either feels like a paradox or just another self-righteous feat of a person exploring their own mental illness. I guess this is a story for those books because mental illness is scary due to the fact it’s your own body doing this to you, and other people cannot physically see your harrowing injuries that amass within. The feeling of loneliness and seclusion settles into your bones before you realize its made home.
Depression & anxiety, two monsters who date well when introduced to their host. Infection of these two hindrances bring the MENTAL symptoms: loneliness whom sympathizes with anxiety, funk (and not the good funk), and lurking murky thoughts that may consume you. Anxiety is a pickly little monster who adores to stoke you with the feeling of paralyzing fear; she enjoys depression’s loneliness and intrudes with fear. Among other things, mental illness is a nasty cluster that invades, and hosts itself within a person. It kills the use of to be a human, and it can fluctuate.
I always had this last thought in my head as I grew up, and I still, sometimes, do: “You’ll die at x age so just keep doing the struggle,” this has really been the main course of who I am, and it took me quite some time to finally come to this realization.
Living for me has always been about survival up until I become aware that I was a human being too. It’s interesting, in the since, because I graduated. Being able to do what I did whilst having depression as my constant companion, I was floored. Enamored. After that, I kinda blanked out for a year – explored the depth of what a human should be doing – things happen. Thinking back, it’s always been a struggle to stay afloat with just living. I mean living in the sense of motivational endurance, and forever, I thought laziness was my honest concern, yet where I am now, I should be understanding(?), in a way, because I was just a young sprout learning the way of life. Depression is your friend, they’re interwoven within your entire atom. Like a festering fissure, they’re lost deep within bones. Creaks of who you used to be sometimes are reminded when you’re admits a group of your loving friends and you’re body just feels weighed down. That’s depression.
Anxiety lives quietly within my soul. I’ll call her entity she because she was a flowing feeling that wound the silk threads of herself into the core of you, only to be woven into how your existence is… That’s anxiety for me. Anxiety is a mental whiplash. She’s subtle, yet quietly finished.
Mental illness is different for everyone, and how everyone lives different. Circumstance is a factor to take into a matter when handling mental illness, in my opinion. It shapes how we breathe into the places around us as humans
I don’t wish to further speak about my mental illness within broadly. But to the struggling others out there with me, please just be easy on yourself, and remember your body is you. You’re body is much more important than stressors that are within it. Remember to feed yourself, too. That’s important as well.
I think constant reminders of making sure that I’m living, As long as I have people that adore who I am and the slow emersion of realizing my body will always be here. It’s okay to breathe.
If I could describe the complexities that I see in people in myself, I would probably be okay. Yet, I tend to lose myself into arrays, and none of this makes sense to the common man that typically reads the newspaper. I am sorry, you see, I seem to be the person who has a form of objectification, yet I hold on to the idea that it’s quite okay to be a bit of a scatter brained person. Abstracts are what come to form the way everything breathes.
Even as a child, I was always off a day, or just sped up about three days. Thinking back upon it, I can’t help but chuckle just a bit, y’know? Just imagine a chubby little blonde girl screaming in the kitchen at 9pm, “IT’S FRIGGIN’ HALLOWEEN!!!” Yeah, I was that kinda kid. Time & I are kinda frienemies. So I feel my scatterbrained attitude is attributed due to my concept of time.
The concept of time, to me, lives in everyone. Everyone views time in the since of it’s fleeting, yet time is only fleeting when one believes she’s gone. Everything is constantly changing – we have to accept that, but does that mean time changes how time leaves? It’s a trick question & probably a duel edged sword based off of one’s perspective, and that is my point. YOU are at a change, and, in turn, I have this fuckin’ idea of existing at the cost of your own time, if that makes any sense. I can’t wait to cringe at that line later in my life. My theory is: The only time you have is the time you hold in yourself. What a statement.
How does this tie in with myself?
I like to think of myself of as the time superhero! From my perspective, I yearn for the time I have on this planet to be really adored, no matter the experience or saturation of feelings. Young I may be, yet I hold an entire flourishing in me. Time is sometimes often on my mind just because.
I could be the person to write paragraphs about me, show you many images of me, yet, for me, it doesn’t feel real. I have this weird complex of having to feel real within the moment or within me. Typically, this means that I have to be naturally earnest & there comes a lot from having an honest sprout. Like a flower, I thrive in an environment where I can help bring some form of helping. A plant, when taken care of, thrives, as well as the being taking care of that plant.
I think a lot about that. These little guys right here up here are dandelions! They’re my favorite flower along with sunflowers, and you wanna know the best thing about these guys? They travel up to 1,000 miles just with their simple seeds. That’s just one flower. The point of this knowledge is for my mindset to understand, thrive, and keep learning on whom I might be, or grow to be.
Right now, older soul with the worry of a young body. I tend to dwell in solidarity, with varying bosom buddies. Large crowds with just people, sometimes not feeling is not where I exist. I grow within knowledgeable reality. While I enjoy the fantasy of where that might lead, I am sometimes so grounded I can’t find myself in the concrete! This, in turn, brings the stress of learning how to release my seeds that tend to the sprouts of the world. Yes, this means that I sometimes have hard time relaxing where this activity has come into affect.
You know those hobbies you enjoy even though they might be a bit of a stressor. For an established persons, that may be helping out with your kids school, writing an advice column for a local newspaper, or volunteering at an old folks home! And that’s where this place comes into affect!
you see, I have no actual want to explore the world of coupling, yet I am a romantic lover at heart. I melt into my own world of affection when romanced. My soul lives in the romantic lofts, the lights of intimacy. Love should not be a kept secret, so I thought why not let my love freely live while being the best kept secret? It sounds weird, but I want people to live along side with me while understanding I want to explore as many emotions as possible because, gosh, there are so many people. I have so much flowing adoration for the world, so I don’t limit my emotional output. It’s taken me quite a long time to really allow myself to enjoy this outlook. It may sound cool or uncaring, but I have to stress to you it’s my perspective & how I live. I have the ability to enjoy the romantic love of the people around me because it’s something that I have more of. Your ideas should drift towards a designer that loves creating more things, not a worker in retail.
How do you describe yourself?
You know the feeling of when you’re by the sea? You’re standing there and the wind winds her hands into your hair, your skin slightly arises like a sunrise, and the sea scenting you with her flavor for your lover to taste later. Or when you wake up with the sun seeping into her skin, and her breath is light across your hand. Your other hand tracing the line of her side, the sheets warming both your smile and her waking. That’s how I kinda like to think of myself. For some reason, that feeling resonates within me, and I strive to lick the skin of you, yet leave the breeze to cool you from adventures.
I had a composed writing I wanted to adhere to, but I think I’m going to free-write, and I did. I’m proud.
Anyway, you’re here now, probably thinking or very bemused with humor by my online shenanigans. Well, I can assure you’ll have more entertainment! Welcome to the small space of just my part of the web. Nowadays, having this hardcore idea or doing something you don’t entirely enjoy, yet it pays the bills because it’s something is on everyone’s mind, so this space is to take it from those adrift thoughts into the world of existing with people… I’m a real simple person at heart, from what I can say about me. I don’t write too well about myself, so I hope these help convey who I might be.
My thoughts often wonder to how I should describe myself. I, myself, would cultivate three morals into my being for who I stand for:
a. Respect Everyone.
b. Be Honest c. Live for You.
If you seem to be reading this, it means that I’ve finally found my voice enough to convey my thoughts to space!